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Christian Homes And Special Kids |
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Birth Parent's Line 1-800-266-9837 Contact CHASK 208-267-6246 |
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For Birth Parents
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By Lori Anderson
Adoption in the minds of potential families is a “forever deal.” Unfortunately when the reality of a troubled adoption hits, families are faced with tough decisions. Where do we go for treatment? What type of treatment does this behavior require? How do we preserve the loving feelings we have for our struggling child? To disrupt or not to disrupt, that is the question. Families have spent months or even years preparing to bring their forever child home, only to realize that their dreams and desires do not exist in this child. In most cases families begin seeing therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists in an attempt to diagnose the issues that the child is having and fortify the family as they struggle to “hang on.” Hanging on may come at a high price for some families. There are instances where mothers, fathers and siblings end up in counseling. Children, who were already in the family, may in fact be abused emotionally, physically or even sexually by their newly adopted sibling. Recently, I spoke with a mother who was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The trauma that she endured from her adoptive daughter is unimaginable. For her, it was more than just dealing with the loss of a dream for her child; it was living a hellish nightmare with her daughter. The heartache this mother shared was raw. She told of the loss of family and friends due to people not understanding the ways of children with attachment issues. She told of insurmountable debt the family has incurred as a result of hospitalizations and treatments for the adopted daughter and the other members of her family, and the seemingly endless missed time from work while she desperately searched to find help for her daughter. My heart reaches out to her. I too am a mother of a severely disturbed child who has been in and out of residential treatment facilities with very little progress being made. The thought of disrupting our son Justin’s adoption is gut wrenching. My fear is that we may have to accept that our love and desire to parent our son while he lives in our home may not be the reality that the God has chosen for us. Unfortunately, for some, being the hands-on parents we so desire, is not an option. Some parents will simply become the loving care provider that helps their child along in their journey to their forever family. Safety As we work to meet our son’s needs and seek ongoing services for him we are often reminded of the beautiful child he is. When asked about our son, I can easily name several things about him I truly love about him. Remembering to separating the “behavior” from the child, is always in the forefront of my mind. When Justin is raging, I see a pitiful boy who does not have the skills to control his emotions. When Justin is out-of-control, I have to think in terms of his ability to cope and my ability to provide safety for him and our other children. It is no longer about embarrassment, guilt or shame when he acts out in public. It is about safety. Conversely, I am blessed to be the mother of a son adopted from a disrupted adoption. DJ’s initial adoptive family was unprepared for the behaviors and severe emotional needs DJ struggled with. What they did know was that this little guy was an orphan due to tragic events and needed a forever family. What they did not know is how deeply these losses had affected him, nor how to help him process his tumultuous early childhood. Seemingly no amount of therapy or interventions could repair DJ’s heart. He lacked trust and desire to be a part of a forever family. Moving DJ from an environment where he was the only child to an environment where he was one of many helped him. He was able to blend in and not be the focus. In our home positive peer pressure has been a huge help for DJ. No, it is not easy, and I wouldn’t recommend it for most families. But, DJ is doing well in our home and has become a lovable part of our family Years ago while working on attachment issues with our two year old son Jacob I remember reading an article about a child with RAD and a families’ struggle to keep him in their home…at the time I did not “get it.” Jacob was responding well to the therapy interventions we were using and I could not imagine not being able to “reach” a child. Our story of Jacob’s healing is truly amazing. He came to us at ten months old along with his birth mother who was in foster care as well. Four months later she left foster care asking us to adopt Jacob. In the short ten months of his life he had been in six different placements. One of them was a home for unwed mothers. There he had a different caregiver every eight hours. His mother’s struggles affected him deeply. She had not bonded with him and thus he could not bond with us. The “dance” of structured love began the day he arrived. When I attempted to hold him while he drank his bottle he would refuse to drink it, pinching and scratching to get away from me. Once out of my arms he would settle into feed himself. Lovingly, I would pick him up, snuggle him, and attempt to feed him again. He would refuse, and the scenario would begin again. When I attempted to play simple games like peek-a-boo with him he showed little interest. Yet, peek-a-boo with the store clerk was a game he enjoyed immensely. Bath time was a test I began to dread. He would scream and pinch me the entire time he was in the tub. I tried bathing him in the sink; he cried and screamed louder and flung himself violently. Nap time and bed time were exhausting; he would crawl out of bed and lay in the laundry room in the dirty clothes pile. Believe me, there was never a shortage of dirty laundry with twelve children at home! I became his total caregiver and over time he gradually responded to my nurturing. It was difficult for everyone. He was my focus and the others missed out on mom because of it. But in the end it paid off. He went through four years of therapy and is doing much better. He still has his struggles with attachment issues and his lack of respect for the females in his life but, overall he is well adjusted. In Jacob’s case I never thought of giving in or giving up. He always managed to give me some hope even on the worst days. Husband’s point of view Often times when people share stories on attachment issues of children you hear the mothers’ point of view. Curious, I asked my husband how those years with Jacob and now DJ and Justin have made him feel. He answered quickly. “Sad that we have to watch a child struggle through the process, grateful we are here to hold them up in prayer during that time and give them the love they so desperately need.” Because of our experiences with attachment and emotional issues we have taken in other children who struggle with similar issues. It is amazing to see the progress most of them make as they begin to heal in our environment. It is funny how life has a way of bringing you full circle. Now, several years later I do “get it,” having Justin in our lives has given me empathy and understanding for families struggling with severely emotionally disturbed children. Love is not enough For children who have been terribly abused and neglected, love is simply not enough. For our family it is the balance of structure, nurturing environment, community resources, support of family friends and church. It is my prayer that the Lord bestows knowledge on my husband and I as we make these difficult decisions regarding Justin and our family. If you would like to contact me please e-mail me at glanderson479@sbcglobal.net Lori Anderson 5 Hickory Court Newton, Kansas 67114
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